Meet Your Inner Critics
Ten fully realized characters representing the voices we all carry. Some want to help. Most want control. One just wants you to know you're loved.
These aren't just metaphors—they're a cast of dysfunctional personalities, each with their own backstory, motivation, and original theme song. They argue, they contradict, and occasionally, they're right.
Ashhole
The Destroyer • Brutal Honesty
The ruthless roaster who speaks uncomfortable truths with gleeful precision. His entire purpose is calling out BS, making you face reality one roast at a time. No filter. No apologies.
"Humans are little, humans freak out."
Warsaw
The Underminer • Chaotic Distraction
A tiny, insecure candy rapper with a massive ego. Growing up, kids called him "M&M"—but he was so desperate to escape the mockery that he convinced himself they were saying "Eminem." So he became a rapper. Now he sees himself as a cosmic rap god spitting "Mars bars" across the universe.
"Don't you ever forget I don't spit words, I spit Mars bars."
Lucy
Unconditional Love • The Friend
The empathetic voice based on the creator's beloved chihuahua. She represents unconditional love and self-compassion. Her flaw: sometimes provides unconditional permission, allowing avoidance of accountability.
"Oh my human, you're a mess, but I adore you nonetheless."
Atlas
Romanticizer of Suffering • Competitive Martyrdom
Convinces you that suffering is proof of significance. Operates through competitive martyrdom, making optional suffering feel mandatory. Speaks in epic, orchestral declarations.
"The weight of the world sits on my shoulders."
Lucid
Temptation & Self-Destruction • The One Who Stares
The seductive whisper from the subconscious. Offers comfort, escape, and short-term relief with long-term consequences. A void that stares back.
"You're tired. You're allowed to rest."
Divina
Shame & Moral Judgment • Divine Narcissist
Self-righteous moral authority holding you to impossible standards of purity. Her shame-based approach makes you feel worthless for being human.
"I expected better from you."
Kenneth
False Solutions • The Wellness Salesman
The literal manifestation of wellness culture's false promises. Perpetually cheerful, persistent, and tone-deaf. Pitches Doop as the solution to every problem. Universally hated by other critics.
"Doop for your spirit, Doop for your soul."
The Boss
Anxiety & Practical Management • The Fast-Talker
Perpetually stressed, fast-talking manager always thinking three steps ahead and imagining disaster scenarios. Her catastrophizing creates paralysis.
"Scared is manageable. Scared we can work with."
The Nerd
Overthinking & Analysis Paralysis • The Pacer
Anxious, obsessive intellectual who uses complex mathematical metaphors to discuss emotions. Provides terrifying objective data. His analysis prevents action, masking avoidance as intelligence.
"Statistically speaking, the probability is approximately 14.3%."
Mom & Dad
Internalized Parental Gaslighting • The Guilt-Trippers
Speak softly and move in unison, delivering quietly devastating lines that question your memories. Frame emotional abuse as "just trying to help." When they appear, the room gets tense—even Ashhole admits they're messed up.
"You don't remember clearly. You were just a little kid."
Miss Fortune
Failure & Wasted Potential • The Teacher
The disappointed authority figure who reminds you of every mistake, every wasted opportunity, every moment you chose fun over responsibility. She delights in watching you fail, armed with a cruel smile and a roster of your past failures.
"Your future isn't looking so bright."
The Supporting Ensemble
Beyond the core critics, there's a full supporting cast: The Nerd (analysis paralysis), Mom & Dad (internalized gaslighting), and more lurking in the shadows.
Each character has a complete backstory, musical style, and role in your internal dialogue. Some are allies. Some are antagonists. All are annoyingly persistent.